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BQ-98: Can We Make it to Episode 100?

Zariel’s flying fortress is right there! RIGHT THERE!

The Brazen Bulls can end this right here, right now, right away!

But Sleipnir is more broken than normal. He got feebleminded by Manzibar Kreeg, and now he’s dumber than his nightmare steed. Being dumber than a nightmare steed is so silly–why would Sleipnir choose to be that way?

Who is the steed in this relationship now?

Speaking of other things with hooves, Sfiros doesn’t have the right spells prepared today to un-dumb Sleipnir, and Ellison doesn’t have any scrolls of cure feeblemind because she gave up on relieving the Herd of their dumbness many episodes ago.

Who can solve this problem?

Remember last episode when I said Gideon and Moonion are also there? That was so long ago that even I forgot!

And I’m one of the players!

And I’m the DM!

Who is writing this thing anymore?

Gideon, the necromantic brother of Zanzibar, looks Sleipnir up and down, then down and up, then right and left, then comes to a conclusion.

“He’s possessed by a deeeeemon!” Gideon wails, waving his hands at the nonsense before him. “He needs an exorcism! Purge this foul demon!”

“Is it painful?” Tallest asks, not familiar with the purging process. “Can you make it painful?”

“Yes and yes!” Gideon grins.

This adventuring group is quite strange.

The necromancer throws Sleipnir on an altar because of course there’s one nearby–this is Avernus, altars grow out of the ground like weeds.

“I shall purge this foul energy from your brain head!” Gideon shrieks, scribbling incantations on the ground.

While Gideon begins his scribbling, Sleipnir begins his dribbling due to the massive amounts of demon dumbness pulsating in his noggin.

“If you purge too much foul energy, there’s not going to be a whole lot left,” Caeus says, remembering the last time Sleipnir had foulness trapped in his hand after picking up a nasty demon artifact.

Remember that!?

That was like three years ago!

Gideon presents a spittoon to Caeus. “Spit in this urn to save your brother.”

Caeus spits into the spitoon, and the necromancer mixes up a paste and throws it on Sleipnir’s face. It’s kind of gross, but Sleipnir doesn’t care due to the high waves of stupid. Sleipnir rambles and moans, leading a chorus of zombies in noisemaking. He seems to be enjoying it.

Maybe he’s better off with a dumb demon?

“We said make it painful,” Sfiros whines piously.

“There is pain in this thing’s soul,” Gideon says. He reaches into Sleipnir’s… area… and pulls out a glowing, green, ectoplasmic orb. 

Sleipnir wakes up from the feeblemind curse.

“We did it!” Sleipnir cries.

“As payment, we require one Moonion,” Tallest says, holding out his palm.

“Moonion will only obey those strong enough to control him!” Gideon laughs as he inserts the green, ectoplasmic orb of stupidity into the zombie minotaur. “He’s all yours.”

And that’s the story of how the Brazen Bulls joined up with a pastiche zombie minotaur named Moonion.

Anyway, like… more stuff is supposed to happen.

To the Plot!

The Brazen Bulls fly up to the Flying Fortress. They leave Moonion behind because he can’t fly. Poor Moonion.

The Herd breaks on the bridge and encounters several devlish guards who are not happy that a bunch of cowboys decided to visit them in the sky.

“We found the Sword of Zariel, and we are here to return it,” Krinjack suggests, tootily.

“I’m here with the sword. To return it,” Sfiros says, radiating cosmic energy.

The guard yawns and shrugs and opens the door. There’s a bossfight to be had and this 5E rule system takes too much damn time in combat to deal with underlings. 

The door teleports the Herd all to a hot, foul throne room. Lava spews over the floor. The walls match the black metal of the flying fortress, and crackling, blistering brimstone speckles the edges of their vision–this is a throne of doom!

Hot doom!

“At last, you’ve come to meet your end!” a chuckling voice chuckles. It’s Lucille!

Remember Lucille?

We tried to foreshadow her really hard in the earlier episodes. She had some really bitchin’ art at the end of Episode 80–you know, a big old tombstone looking thing on her head, and an unusually large sword–all twirling around like a fat anime Jabba the Hutt thing! She’s Zariel’s second-in-command. She is a pale, bloated devil wearing the same kind of helm as Tallest and the same staff as Caeus’s standard. They fought her in episode 81, remember? When they jumped off Kinchasa the first time? Lulu was there. The hollyphant? You remember. They weren’t even the Brazen Bulls yet, they were the Herd!

Oh damn I forgot they’re called he Brazen Bulls now… but I’m not backing up to edit what I said already in this episode!

“This is embarrassing. One of us needs to change.” Tallest blushes through the matching helm.

“That sword,” Lucille points at Sfiros, possibly also blushing. “Give it to me!”

“Oh, sorry, can’t do that,” Sfiros says, wielding the sword in a can’t-do-that manner.

“Let’s give it to her!” Caeus suggests suggestively.

“Oh yeah, we’re going to give it to you,” Sfiros says, picking up what Caeus is putting down.

It’s a sex joke.

“If it’s a fight you want?” Lucille asks, summoning fire elementals from the lava. “Then it’s a fight you’ll get!”

And you know what? They fight.

Sfiros curses, Sleipnir summons his nightmare hound Sophie, Tallest talls, Lucille frightens, and the fire elementals are really hot, even for Hell.

Caeus gets the finishing blow by flinging lightning, zapping Lucille like a crackling bug.

“All me,” Caeus says. 

The area fades, flickers.

Hunched forward on a throne is none other than the archangel Zariel. Her hands tightly grip her throne, her eyes intense. She stares not at the Brazen Bulls, but at a withered Lulu.

You remember Lulu? The hollyphant?

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