BQ-108: Imp Pissers, Assemble!

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FEATURED ADVENTURERS:

• Tu-Ah Whisperwalk - White Dragonborn Rogue - Level 1: Ninja-like "master" of "disguise" who "lurks" in the shadows and "strikes" with "precision."

• Scaly - Lizardfolk Rogue - Level 1: Dirty trash lizard who attacks with sharp teeth. Claims to be a master pickpocket. Pisses when nervous. Pisses when calm.

• Varian Bloomstrike - Eladrin Paladin - Level 3: Spring knight from the Feywild, out to save the helpless. Misses his sister, an autumn eladrin sorcerer, whom he writes to.

• Uther Valens - Aasimar Warlock - Level 3: Lightning-based magician whose imp familiar, Imp E. Dimp, serves as scout and recon for the adventurers. Also pisses.

“These fake teeth remind me of the last time we fought these guys and they had fake teeth,” Uther says, plucking the fake teeth from Uktarl’s real mouth.

“Impi dimp!” Imp E. Dimp agrees, then finds a second entrance into the first entrance that the adventurers arrived at for the second time after the first time. A makeshift alarm of clay pots, clay chairs, and clay trinkets clatters to the ground! Oh no! The alarm sounded!

Oh yeah, they killed Uktarl, so nobody is there to hear them now.

They step inside and find the familiar room that they familiarized themselves with the first time they arrive when they first met Uktarl and when he first killed his ally—now it’s the second time they’ve arrived and the second time they’ve met Uktarl, but not the second time Uktarl killed an ally, but rather the first time an ally killed Uktarl, assuming he hasn’t been killed by an ally before. Tu-ah and Scaly, however, see the room for the first time, so half the party is returning for the second time, and half the party is returning for the first time—or is half the party returning for the first time while the other half of the party isn’t returning at all—meaning for the first time, half the party is re-entering the room for the second time—

“Impi Dimpi!” Imp E. Dimp smashes everything he sees due to the confusion.

 Tu-ah draws an arrow and threatens to shoot the first bad guy he sees—and he sees everything!

Scaly drags one leg across the wall and skitters along it with one foot on the floor. “Look at me! You cannot sssee!”

Tu-ah shakes his head. “He's crazy! I'm over here, but he… is crazy.”

They delve deeper into Uktarl’s and the Undertaker’s little hideout, then take a short rest to recover some of their injuries. Most of the area is dirty, so a couple of the adventurers feel right at home—not to name any namesss.

“I… will practice being sneaky!” Tu-ah says, needing no rest but needing plenty sneak.

Imp E. Dimp finds a locked door to a presumably locked room.

“Someone with lockpicking skills,” Uther announces. He doesn’t say he needs someone with them. He just shouts it like a declaration. Freakin' aasimars...

“Mmmm, I may have ssskillsss!” Scaly says, creeping up to the door.

“I will look! My eyes… see all!” Tu-ah peeks under door and rolls to see all. He doesn’t.

Everyone crams around the door to peek through it.

“I can fey step myself or someone else to the other side,” Varian says.

“I would like to!” Scaly says.

“I was hoping you would!” Varian says.

Scaly crams an eye under the door and peeks around—he still can’t see in the dark, but boy does he try! He sees a table and a chair, then Varian slaps him and casts fey step, which causes Scaly to teleport into the room. Varian then lets Uther cast light on his shield, which he holds under the door to give the lizardfolk some visual assistance.

“I sssneak!” Scaly says, crouching.

“Unlock the door!” Varian shouts.

Scaly pokes around and trips over shit in the dark. “Hey guysss, I don't sssee anything!” He rolls investigation at disadvantage and sees nothing.

“Why don't you unlock the door and let us in!” Varian shouts.

Scaly feels around on the side of the room opposite the door and notices the floor caves in a bit—there’s a bedroll bundled up inside by the way it feels. He grabs the thing and tosses it.

“I don’t need thisss! I sssleep in trassshcansss!” he grumbles, then hears the bedroll jingle as it lands—beds don’t jingle!

Pockets do...

The bedroll has jewels in its pocket!

He opens the bedroll and finds rolled up inside is a set of thieves’ tools and an explorers kit complete with a backpack, a mess kit, a tinderbox, 10 torches, 10 days of rations, a waterskin, and 50 feet of rope! He tucks everything into the backpack and wears it alongside his current backpack, double-stacking. He goes to the door and finally opens it, revealing the dark room to all.

“I see you… I am here,” Tu-ah says.

They step inside and see the room lit up: there’s a chair at a desk, a bunch of coins on said desk, a fresco carving that fills the back wall (not on the desk), and a tub carved into the floor with a lizardfolk holding two backpacks standing in it—this is probably the first bathtub Scaly has ever been in.

The fresco carving depicts a rugged mountain, hollowed out with caverns containing tiny sculpted figures of dwarves. Behind the mountain, carved rays of brilliant sunlight fan out to the edges of the wall.

“Ah well, Afik would have loved to see this. He liked stones!” Varian says. “And my sister would like this ring!” he says, noticing a ring on the desk with the coins—he picks it up and examines the dwarven symbols on it.

Tu-Ah scoops up the rest of the coins, finding 18 gp, 132 sp, and 351 cp. This must be Uktarl’s private stash.

Varian goes to check out the mountain carving and critically fails an investigation check— “Well, I’m not from here!” he argues.

“Well… I am from here!” Tu-ah says, and also crit fails the examination.

Uther, though not from here, rolls high and discovers that one of the dwarf figurines is actually the top of a key—he plucks it out!

“Let's go find some key holes!” Uther says, excited for holes.

They explore deeper into Uktarl’s gang hideout and find several bedrolls—clearly this is the sleeping area of his goons. Imp E. Dimp pisses on bedrolls.

“Ssscaly alssso peesss wherever!” Scaly shouts, then pees in them as well.

Now the episode title is making sense, huh?

After properly pissing in all the beds, the adventurers head north, out of Uktarl’s domain. Unknown to them, they’re stepping into the actual headquarters of The Undertakers gang.

They open the door to the actual headquarters of The Undertakers gang—inside the 70-foot-high vaulted room is a large throne made of interwoven, bleached bones with armrests carved to resemble a fanged snake. The bones, skull, and rotted leather wings of a dead wyvern are piled in the center of the floor, and multiple vampire-dressed gang members turn to lock eyes with the adventurers.

“Harria!” one of them shouts as they draw weapons.

Tu-Ah snipes the closest one, the arrow killing him immediately with a strike through the mouth—he falls down dead.

“Long live the king… I am here!” Tu-Ah states, stepping inside.

A woman steps forth—she’s elegantly dressed, her face a cautious sneer. Behind her steps another Undertaker—the same one who locked Uktarl out with the adventurers. His eyes flicker. Hers do not. The woman turns and sees the dead Undertaker with the arrow poking out of his mouth. Tu-Ah hides his bow behind his ass.

“You must be the ones who slew Uktarl,” she whispers.

“Yeah we killed that fake vampire dude,” Varian admits.

The woman smiles, her fangs prominent. “Thank you.”

Varian shakes his head. “We didn't do it for you—what's your name?”

She flicks her hair. “My name is Harria, and now I'm the undisputed leader of the Undertakers. Pleased to meet you.” She offers her hand to Varian.

Varian takes her hand and shakes it. He’s from the Feywild, so he’s still not used to the handshaking custom—it’s awkward.

“And who do I have the pleasure of greeting?” Harria says.

“Well, we're still workshopping the name,” Varian says, trying to come up with a name. “You're the Undertakers and we're the… Imp Pissers! Sorry about all the bedrolls.”

“He doesn't speak for us!” Uther says.

“It's his fault… he did it!” Tu-Ah points at Scaly.

Scaly pisses.

“So tell me, what brings you into Halaster's dungeon?” Harria says.

“Halaster?” Varian says.

“You do know? He is the Mad Mage.”

“I thought we were in the basement of a bar,” Varian says. “We're here to take out Xanathar's Guild and find fame and fortune?”

Harria’s eyes narrow. “You mean... you are not members of Xanathar's Guild?”

Scaly throws his extra backpack at Harria’s face. He misses.

“I also had a problematic ally, until you came along,” Harria says.

“Is there a reward for dealing with problematic former allies?” Varian says.

Harria takes a step towards the paladin. “Do you like to gamble, Mr. Imp Pisser?”

Varian clarifies, “We are collectively the Imp Pissers—that's not my name.”

“He is THE Imp Pisser…” Tu-Ah says. “And he loves to gamble.”

“How about double or nothing?” Harria offers.

“We'll take double,” Varian says.

Harria smiles. “Very good, Mr. Pisser. I have a dilemma. In a nearby room—there are some vicious, nasty creatures. I'd rather they be slain. I can't do this on my own. So, let's say the Imp Pissers and the Undertakers form an alliance.”

“Well, you want to form an alliance? Are you like a real vampire? Because your last king had these! Show them! Who has the fake teeth?” Varian says, waiting from one of the others to dramatically reveal the fake vampire teeth.

“It helps to keep up the appearance,” Harria says.

Varian narrows his eyes and casts divine sense to detect the presence of any fiends, undead, or celestials—but Harria doesn't glow. “Who are you really?”

Scaly pisses on Harria.

Tired of the lizard’s antics, Harria snaps her fingers—stepping from behind her is a 10 foot tall, stitched together humanoid with gears, wires, and bones protruding from its patchwork body. It raises a hand and punches Scaly in the face, knocking him out at 0 Hit Points with one strike.

“Sorry about our friend,” Varian says.

“He does not speak for us,” Uther chimes in. “We're the Imp Pissers—that's one of our imps.”

Harria cuts them off. “You will go with Mr. Happy and Mr. Angry to deal with a manticore problem.” The stitched together monster and the Undertaker who betrayed Uktarl step forward.

“Or else what?” Varian says.

“Or else nothing,” Harria says.

“Well… we already picked double!” Varian says.

“THIS IS PART OF THE DOUBLE!” Harria shouts.

“What's your beef with this manticore?” Varian says.

“My beef with these three manticores is that they're in my way.”

“What's your objective? What’s on the other side of them? Also, do you have any potions for our stupid lizard?” Varian says, nudging Scaly’s unconscious body.

Harria shakes her head.

Varian sighs. “Let's go put him in a wet bedroll.”

Varian goes and gets a pissy bedroll, then wraps Scaly up in it. He then gives Scaly one of the holy wafers, which restores 1 Hit Point back to him.

Scaly wakes up and realizes he’s wrapped up like a sushi. “I sssmell… PIIIIISSS!”

“You were very rude to our potential employers here,” Varian says.

“Much misss-underssstanding!” Scaly says.

“We will help you fight these manticores if you will tell us where they are,” Varian says to Harria.

“Mr. Happy, lead the way,” she says to the Undertaker who locked away Uktarl.

Mr. Happy silently motions for the adventurers to follow him out. The large, stitched humanoid, Mr. Angry, follows behind. They exit through a north set of doors into a hallway, but Varian recommends that Uther leave Imp E. Dimp behind invisibly to keep an eye on the gang members as a spy.

Tu-Ah speaks in thieves cant to Scaly “You are now the ruler of that lady… because you peed on her!”

“Ssshe isss mine!” Scaly responds. “I'm in love!”

“She is yours… She has accepted you by causing you pain!”

If these two characters make it to level two, it will be a miracle.

They head down a hallway, which ends with a set of double doors. A bizarre, glowing rune is emblazoned onto the doors. Varian takes out a torch, and Uther casts light on it.

“Ah fire!” Scaly hisses.

“It's not fire… it's just lit up,” Tu-Ah calms his rogue ally.

Mr. Happy steps in front of the rune and examines it. He finally speaks, his voice calm and hypnotizing. “Halaster the Mad Mage placed this run upon this door years ago. There are many runes like this within the dungeon. We have learned that when you pass through it, you will receive either a boon, or a bane at random.”

“Have you passed through doors like this before?” Varian says.

Mr. Happy nods. “This rune is Savaros, the Elder Rune of Goblinkind.”

Tu-Ah shoves himself forward. “I will be blessed… first!” he says, then shoves the doors open and steps through. As he does so, he realizes all of his money is gone.

“Bane…” Mr. Happy says.

“That door… just steals your money! I am here!” Tu-Ah says.

Three manticores hiss at Tu-Ah… That’s right, there are three manticores in this room! This dark room! This massive dark room! Full of manticores! Lion-headed, winged beasts that shoot spikes out of their tails!

“Don’t worry… they can't see me,” Tu-Ah says.

Mr. Happy dashes past Tu-Ah, his bare knuckles raised, and he punches the manticore that definitely sees Tu-Ah in the face for 18 damage!

Scaly runs up prissily and throws his crowbar at the same manticore, hitting it for 8 damage.

The fight begins as the three manticores fly around the room, dodging the adventurers and engaging in hit and run attacks—Varian tries to entangle one with nature’s wrath, but the vines he summons can’t grip the agile creatures. One ripostes by launching tail spikes at him—he dodges some, but takes one for 3 damage.

Mr. Angry charges forward, roaring, his boulder-sized fists colliding with the hurt manticore engaged with Mr. Happy—both fists his, one critically, and the manticore falls dead in its nest. One down!

Varian suddenly gets a face full of tail spikes, dropping him down to 0 Hit Points as a manticore in the darkness launches a barrage at him—he falls to the ground, bleeding out.

Uther closes in, but he can’t see any of the foes—they’re too far away. Mr. Happy grabs a lit torch and dashes towards the sound of the flapping wings, trying to shine light so that his allies can fight. Tu-Ah clips a manticore with a couple of glancing shots from his bow while Scaly throws lit torches around the room to keep the manticores from hiding.

Mr. Happy manages to corner a manticore, and the two exchange blows while Tu-Ah provides covering fire—as Scaly steps deeper into the room, three tail spikes strike him and drop him to zero Hit Points. Only Tu-Ah and Uther are still standing while Mr. Happy and Mr. Angry soak up as much of the manticore’s aggression.

Uther slides over to Varian and presses his hands on the paladin’s chest, bestowing 3 Hit Points back into him with his healing hands ability. “If you gotta hit something, it’s right here!” Uther shouts, locking eyes with the manticore.

As though hearing Uther’s plea, Mr. Happy launches himself across the room and punches the manticore while Tu-Ah provides covering fire. Varian chugs a potion of healing, restoring 14 Hit Points and bringing himself back to full strength. The paladin throws his hands forth, casting shield of faith on himself, then joins Mr. Angry to flank one of the manticores and keep it from retreating.

The manticore engaged with Mr. Happy claws and bites the man, leaving massive gashes in him—Uther fires once with eldritch blast, misses, then lines up a second shot while Tu-Ah and Mr. Happy chip away. He finally nails the manticore, blasting it backwards with a bolt of electricity that explodes through the creature’s chest, killing it.

The last manticore breaks from Mr. Angry and Varian, then rakes a claw across Mr. Happy, dropping him unconscious—Uther fires a final eldritch blast, which eradicates the last manticore before it can wreak any more havoc.

The room is quiet now, but covered with blood, torches, and unconscious allies. Varian uses lay on hands to restore 1 Hit Point back to Mr. Happy, who gasps as he wakes up. He struggles to stand,  then smiles at the three dead manticores.

“Double or nothing—as promised,” Mr. Happy says. “Follow me back.”

But first! They loot the room, taking several manticore spikes from the tails to use as makeshift daggers.

As they return to Harria and the rest of the Undertakers, Tu-Ah takes an extra sneaky glance at Mr. Happy’s fanged face and notices… his fangs are definitely real!

“I am here…” he says, closing in on Varian. “And those fangs over there… are real.”

“Thanks a lot for the information,” Varian says, then flinches. “Wait! I divined sensed, and he didn't glow!”

“You are right… and I am over here!” Tu-Ah says.

When they return to Harria, she’s ecstatic that the manticores are dead. As a reward, she gives over four scrolls to the adventurers: burning hands, misty step, meld into stone, and locate object.

“You are now free to pass through Undertaker territory, which will soon be expanding,” she says, handing each of them a disguise kit complete with fake teeth. “Also… give Klep’s Taxidermy above ground a visit. He’s in the market for the heads of certain exotic beasts.” Harria adds.

Everyone immediately returns to the room with the manticores and proceeds to chop the heads off their bodies!

They return to the Undertakers with the manticore heads in tow, and Varian dumps fifty acorns out of the bag of holding for Harria.

“Is this the sigil of your guild?” Harria says, holding up an acorn.

“You'll see the sigil of our guild when you guys lay down tonight!” Varian says. “This acorn is a sigil of friendship!"

Harria fastens the acorn around her necklace like a trinket as the adventurers depart. As the adventurers rise up from the dungeon back into the Yawning Portal, they’re greeted by hoops of applause at the sight of their three manticore head trophies. After taking in the fame, they dash back to the Room for Improvement to check in with their other guild members.

“Did you find any spellbooks?” Klardini says from his chair.

“Found some pages!” Varian says, giving him the scrolls for the shelf.

“Any stone ruins?” Afik asks from his dwarf hole in the dwarf floor.

“Yes!” Varian says. “Scaly needs to rest, but I wouldn't let him near your bedroll.”

They head up to the Trade Ward to find Klep’s Corner—a wilderness themed shop that specializes in animal parts, taxidermy, and big game hunting. Creatures from all over the world are stuffed and hanging from ceilings, walls, and spikes.

“Ah yes! You look like you're in the business for taxidermy!” a large half-orc, Klep, steps up.

“I am here… yes,” Tu-Ah says.

“Well, we're definitely in the business of monster killing and head collecting,” Varian says. “We got a tip that you might be interested in buying select specimens.”

“I might be—what do you bring?” Klep says.

Varian reaches into the bag of holding and pulls out a manticore head dripping with acorns. “There may be more where that comes from!”

Klep chuckles. “You... you must know my old flame. She's the one I mentioned this trophy to!” he picks up the severed head and inspects it. “I'll give 300 gold, cash, here and now for this thing!”

Varian grins. “What if we got you a triple set? PSA 10?”

A small tear wells up in Klep’s eye. “Tell Harria I'll always love her! And... treat yourself,” he adds, handing over a stack of 1000 gp for the set. “This has made my year.”

The adventurers then hock some of the other loot they found for an extra 250 gp, except for the dwarven ring. The newest adventurers gain enough XP from cashing in some money to reach level 2! They then jog back to the Room for Improvement with their fat stacks of fat look to find their fat dwarf. They hand Afik the ring with the dwarven runes on it.

“These are dwarven runes!” Afik announces.

“Do you read dwarven?” Uther says.

Afik glares at the aasimar.

“These are symbols of… fertility!” Afik exclaims. “My nana told me of fertility before she drowned.”

“You have not worn this?” Klardini says.

“It would do nothing for you,” Afik says, then dons the ring. It makes him feel… different.

While wearing the ring, Afik gains the following ability: once per day, you may gain advantage on one Charisma skill check used against a member of the opposite sex. You gain the flaw, "I can't resist a pretty face!"

Varian worries about the letter he wrote to his sister.

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