BQ-107: The Room for Improvement

< Episode List >

FEATURED ADVENTURERS:

• The Great Klardini - High Elf Wizard - Level 3: Cranky 700-year-old elf who just wants to find his missing spellbook and fart off to relearn his magic.

• Afik Bonefinger - Mountain Dwarf Fighter - Level 3: Trauma-afflicted former boat captain who got so beat up in the previous episode he will need five days to recover.

• Varian Bloomstrike - Eladrin Paladin - Level 3: Knight sent from the Feywild to figure out how to fix this world. Recently fought brain-devouring aberrations.

• Uther Valens - Aasimar Warlock - Level 3: Angelic being who conjures electricity. Can blast enemies to smithereens as long as he keeps his distance.

The Adventurers settle on spending 3,300 gold from their collection to buy some property. Yay, imaginary real estate! Just like in real life!

“Everything is too expensive from when I was buying property here last, so I'm not going to negotiate,” Klardini says, pouting and not participating in the lengthy real estate brokerage discussions. Surprise, kids—this is what D&D is really about!

They send Mox out to go find a real estate agent. He’s a street urchin who grew up homeless as a goblin child in Waterdeep, so he naturally knows more real estate agents since he’s seen so many houses and never lived in them. The logic is flawless. The goblin eventually comes back with a member of the Properties and Housing Guild.

“Are you the group who is looking to purchase a fine establishment?” a portly fellow with a handlebar mustache asks, meeting them outside the Yawning Portal.

“Yes,” Uther says.

The man nods, proudly displaying his Properties and Housing Guild badge. “Well then, follow me to the Dock Ward. There are some properties in your price range near Presper Street. My name is Mr. Nightow. Off we go!”

And off they do!

They head south, leaving the Yawning Portal behind but making quick work down to Presper Street. As they near the Dock Ward, the familiar noise of industry replaces the bureaucratic drone of the Castle Ward. The crowds of magistrates and city workers fades into the grittier collection of trade and dock workers. The buildings themselves transition from old, downtown, governmental buildings to warehouses, apartments, and boarding homes, and the occasional bordello—only occasional; we have morals, okay? We just don't know where we left them!

“Where is the, uh, out of character. Where is the giant statue thing that’s in the dock ward?” Varian says. “Oh it’s up here! The Honorable Knight!”

Nightow says, “I think around here we have something within your price range—we have this property here!” he stops in front of a modest dwelling.

“As you can see here this is a brick foundation with cobblestone walls—you have roughly 1200 square feet total, a two-story property. Half of the foundation is the first floor, the other half the second floor. First floor is very open—a few loadbearing pillars and walls. The upper floor though is much more intimate: a living area and dorms as well for sleeping. You could do business on the bottom floor, residency on top, and you get a little balcony!”

Mr. Nightow points out the balcony that overlooks the front door—a 10 ft. by 5 ft. area.

“From the balcony, I bet we could see Shrimp Alley!” Varian says.

Mr. Nightow takes them inside and shows them the open space of the lower floor and the tighter, dorm-style setup of the upper floor. He points out that the house nestles up wall-to-wall with the house next door. Welcome to the urban sprawl dungeon crawl!

“Seems to be made of a lot of stone!” Afik says.

“Yes… stone and tabby!” Mr. Nightow says, rubbing his hands over the oyster shell walls.

“My nana talked about that!” Afik says.

“Oh did she?” Mr. Nightow says.

Nobody says anything for a while.

Varian taps Afik. “Our dwarf friend here is… uh… something of a petrafile.”

The real estate agent is concerned now.

“… any questions you have about the property?” Mr. Nightow says.

Uther looks at the stairs. “How much would it take to replace these stairs with a pole so we could slide down it in case of an emergency?”

“You mean from the second story to the first, or from the second story to the ground?” Varian asks.

“Maybe we should put a hole in the bathroom instead—and then we could go from the bathroom to the first floor!” Afik offers.

Uther grimaces. “Well if we’re going to put it in the bathroom—we might as well do a slide!”

“A slide would be fine!” Afik says.

Mr. Nightow looks absolutely concerned. “Are you suggesting you want to poop at the top of the slide and let it slide down into a first floor toilet?”

Varian gasps.

Afik takes notes.

“You have a better idea?” Uther says.

They all stare at each other.

“Let me show you our second property!” Mr. Nightow says, then pushes them further down Presper Street.

“Now the first I showed you was very half and half—business on first floor and dorms on second floor. This next one is much more asymmetrical with the bottom majority for dorm and sleeping while the upper room is business and workspace.”

They stop before a five story building made of brick and wood—the top floor has a small room jutting from the top to oversee much of the street.

“This is a penthouse piece that’s on the top of another set of floors—so you have your own personal entrance up the side.”

He shows them inside, the first floor being 900 square feet with lots of walls and smaller rooms for living. On top is a 300 square foot open room for anything else.

“So this room on top… it’s small so, like, when we could put a dome over it so that when we get angry we could go up there?” Uther said.

“I’m not sure…” Mr. Nightow says. “You may have to talk to the guilds.”

“It’s an angry dome,” Uther says.

“I’m not sure what that means, but anything is possible with a permit!” Mr. Nightow says with a shaky smile.

“What other properties do you have to show us on this street?” Varian says.

Mr. Nightow ushers them further down. “This is the last property on the street—whereas the previous property was mostly living space with little room for work, this one is the opposite. Much more open floorplan with only two areas for living space. There is a magnate down here with some property, and he has an adjoining courtyard he wishes to part with to fund investments elsewhere. He wants to sell the courtyard, tower included.”

He brings the adventuring group to a walled off courtyard with a classic “wizard tower” tucked in one corner.

“Tower! Tower!” Klardini shouts, suddenly wanting to be part of the negotiations. “Wizards love towers!”

“Is this the tower that had the murder/suicide?” Uther says. “Because if we get a haunted tower, we need to make sure it’s filled with ghosts.”

“GET THE TOWER!” Klardini says.

They check out the courtyard, which is roughly 900 square feet, and the tower within has a first floor with a spiral staircase up the center into a second circular room of the same diameter.

“Can we build underground?” Afik says.

“We would build a tower that goes underground!” Uther says.

“Anything is possible with a permit,” Mr. Nightow smiles. “Keep in mind that there are sewers, pipes, and a recent burgeoning market in catacombing that may prove difficult for digging.”

“We won’t do that,” Klardini says.

“If there are catacombs we would definitely stock up on ghosts in there,” Uther says.

“Yes we love city ordinances!” Afik says.

Varian turns to his compatriots, “Let’s huddle up team. What do we think about this?”

“Tower!” Klardini says.

“We can have tents!” Afik says. “We can go camping until we build the underground vault we’re not building!” he glances at Mr. Nightow to make sure he heard the last bit.

Everyone remembers that Afik is at level four of exhaustion and Varian is level one of exhaustion—the only ones stable of mind are the old wizard and the aasimar electric creature.

“I would like the tower because of potentials of underground ghosts,” Uther says. “For some reason that’s just what I’m into right now.”

“That’s just his hobby, that’s not something we’re gonna do,” Afik says.

“So what are the disadvantages to the tower?” Uther says.

Varian points at the tower. “Well it’s small—and most of the space is outside!” He then points to the open, walled courtyard.

“We can put up tents!” Afik says.

“Isn’t that true of everything in the world?” Uther says. “Isn’t everything outside?”

Varian looks to the tower. “How wide was that spiral staircase? We don’t want Afik to get stuck.”

“I’ll probably hang out in the basement!” Afik says.

There is no basement.

Everyone kind of likes the idea of the adventuring group all cozy inside the tower while keeping Afik outside in the courtyard like some kind of dog—“Hey, don’t forget to feed the dwarf!” has a nice ring to it.

“Are all of these the same price?” Uther asks.

“Yeah,” Varian says, “The first one is like half and half, the next one is like 20/80, and the tower is like 80/20.”

“Is this one of those magic towers that’s bigger on the inside than on the outside?” Uther asks.

“No, it is as inside as it is outside,” Mr. Nightow says about the tower that they all went inside and saw.

“So it’s not magic?” Afik says.

“No,” Mr. Nightow says. “But it could be!”

Anything is possible with a permit…

“All three sound great—the advantage of the tower is that you can go upstairs to get away from Afik,” Varian says.

“Everyone vote tower!” Klardini says. “Who ever votes the tower say ‘Yes!’ Yes. Okay that’s the tower we won.”

Everyone casts their vote for the property they want to spend money on. Valour and Afik vote for property 1; Uther for property 2; Klardini for property 3.

“What the heck is property 1?” Klardini says.

“That’s the half and half one,” Varian says.

“REMEMBER THAT PROPERTY 3 IS THE TOWER!” Klardini says, realizing he’s the only one voting for it.

“Yeah but property 2 has the anger dome,” Uther says.

Klardini rages ripshit mad, “You’re gonna have a time without the tower!” he shouts, ready to make every room an anger dome. He leers at Afik who didn’t vote for the tower.

“I just didn’t want to live in a dog house!” Afik says.

“We wouldn’t have given you a whole dog house,” Uther says. “A tent or a tarp at most.”

Afik’s eyes light up. “A nice tent?”

“No, not a nice tent,” Varian interrupts.

One of the adventurers removes their vote, leaving each property with one vote on it and creating a tie breaker system.

“The tower is the smallest,” Varian says. “It has outdoor space, but who cares! Outdoor space is free!” he argues, reminding everyone he’s from the Feywild, which is the plane of outdoor space and hippies and socialism. “I originally wanted property 1, but then saw we were split, so I removed my vote and… I don’t know if I want property 1 now!”

“Property 1 has plenty of room for everyone!” Afik says, still voting for property 1.

“Vote, Uther!” Klardini says.

“I DID VOTE!” Uther says, pointing to property 2.

“Property 1!” Afik says. “It does have a balcony. We could still build a basement in property 1.” Afik smiles—building a basement onto a balcony would be tough, but he's a smart dwarf! He can figure it out! He talks to rocks!

“In the event of a tie, we get the tower,” Klardini says.

“Okay, eff it, I vote property 1,” Varian says, creating a tie as Klardini stealthily creates his own rules.

“What’s wrong with property 2?” Uther says, seeing one of the votes move so that property 1 is winning and there’s no longer a tie.

“Yeah what’s wrong with property 2?” Klardini insists that his tiebreaker outcome is still canon.

“You convinced me—you convinced me,” Varian says, changing his vote to property 2. “No, all right—fine, fine, we’ll go to property 1.”

“NO! I think you got it right the first time,” Klardini says. “You know what, let’s do this one!” Klardini says, looking at Uther move his vote to property 3.

“I think that if we’re up really high then that gets us closer to the electricity,” Uther says, clarifying his vote.

About five hours later, the final vote is in, with property 3, the tower, winning. Everyone mostly cheers, but everyone is mostly Klardini. Afik shakes his head and walks to the property. Mr. Nightow wants to go home to property 4.

“Go see if you can find some rocks outside, Afik. You like rocks!” Uther says.

“I’m so tired…” Afik says, lying on the ground in the courtyard.

Klardini contemplates setting up a bookshelf for all the literature he doesn’t own yet. He wants to set it up outside, but they remind him that skies tend to rain, and rain tends to wet things that are outside. What a silly, stupid old man!

They cash in the money, and Nightow holds the deed to Varian. Nobody trusts any of this legal nonsense, so the paladin is voluntold to voluntake the volume of papers that legally binds the tower to them.

“We have to all grab it together!” Varian argues.

Klardini snatches it.

“Now let's cut this deed up into five pieces,” Varian says.

“I'll hold onto Mox's piece!” Afik says.

They don’t do that.

Klardini now has some paper to put on his bookshelf! Congrats, old man!

The adventurers now have an empty place full of empty people! They name their new little place “The Room for Improvement” and set about improving it–and you can’t spell “improvement” without “imp!”

“Imp E. Dimp, I summon you!” Uther says, summinishly. “Transform into a spider and spin some webs.”

“Impi-dimpi!” Imp E. Dimp says, popping into existence and shapeshifting into a spider. He spins cobwebs all over the place to add ambience and traditional vibes to their property. Nothing says home like spider webs everywhere reminding you that you didn't do your basic chores.

They think about what to do next.

They think for a while.

“Well I guess we need to go do some shopping,” Varian says. “We have some bedrolls and rope. We could make Afik a hammock! And we should use Imp E. Dimp in spider form to write like Charlottes Web like ‘Some Dumb Ass’ above his hammock.”

Klardini enters ye olde market place and spends 20 gp on ye olde bookshelf made of cherry wood with several places for the books he doesn’t own. He has the shelf delivered, but the delivery-mongers are unable to get the bookshelf up the spiral staircase to the top floor where he wants it to be. They need a crane. Or an axe and a mending spell.

“I'll give you 5 gp if you get that bookshelf up there today,” the old man says, his wrinkled form shaking with elder rage.

“It has to go in through that window, and that window is thirty feet up,” the delivery-mongers say, pointing.

“Well, good luck!” Klardini says.

“Okay… we'll be here tomorrow then with the crane,” they say, then leave.

Klardini is so furious that he spends 10 gp on a fancy chair to pout in, which will also be delivered tomorrow with the empty bookshelf. That'll show them!

Varian spends 20 gp to have well made signs placed on the tower and themain entrance–the signs say “Room for Improvement–Adventurers for Hire: Inquire Within.”

Uther goes to find a copper-monger who sells him a 40 gp big copper rod for the top of the tower. Uther uses his radiant soul powers to sprout a set of lightning wings and fly up to the tower. He fastens the copper rod onto the top of the minaret, then places a little battery thing on top of the copper rod to harness electricity. During the next storm, lightning is sure to strike the minaret! Right on top of Klardini’s room! This is definitely not a bomb, officer!

Afik is poor and already dirty, so he spends only 2 gp on a tent to set up in the yard. He buys a pickaxe, a shovel, and a bucket to begin digging a dwarf hole under his tent since the two spellcasters are staying in the upper spire. Varian sets up his tent as well in a different corner. He buys several planter boxes and sets them up near his tent so that his little garden can remind him of home.

Then Varian gets an idea!

He conjures up Rumpy-Bumble Plumperton, the Feywile spirit bumblebee he found in Mox's dead family's dead cemetery. He whispers a message to the bee in Sylvan—a message for someone he hasn't seen in a long time:

Dearest Elyria,

The air here smells different — no sweetness of blooming heartswood, but the sea salt and baking bread of Waterdeep have their own charm. I’ve found a place for myself, though calling it a “place” may be generous — we’ve a tower, though I sleep in a tent in the courtyard by choice. The sun here greets me early, and there’s a stray cat that seems convinced I belong to her.

I’ve joined an adventuring guild, and while the work is often messy, I think you’d appreciate the rhythm of it. People here need help — sometimes in small, quiet ways, and sometimes in ways that call for sword and shield.

The courtyard feels bare without green. I was hoping you might bring seeds, cuttings, or whatever plants you can coax through the crossing — things that remind us of home. The others might not understand what they’re seeing, but they’ll feel it all the same.

I’ll admit it, sister — I miss you. And I hope you’ll consider staying once you arrive. I have a feeling there’s a place for you here, one we could shape together.

Always your brother,

Varian Bloomstrike

Klardini is still so furious at these delivery-mongers that he orders more shit from them. He drops 25 gold pieces on an elegant bed to be sent over with his stuff the next day. They will rue the day they didn't deliver the bookshelf immediately!

Uther decides to stay on the second floor in his bedroom near the window, splitting the second floor with the old wizard.

They wake up bright and early for the brand new morning—Waterdeep’s Dock Ward is rather noisy, especially for people sleeping in towers and courtyards. Boats toot their horns, and horses toot their whinnies. Varian has shaken his exhaustion, but Afik is still at an exhaustion level of 3 because he took a hell of a beating in the dungeon—maybe living in the industrial district isn’t the best for a good night’s sleep in a tent? The dwarf could avoid the noise...

But he'll have to dig for it!

“Mox should definitely stay here in case someone shows up to hire us or something,” Varian says.

“Yeah he can be our secretary,” Uther says.

Klardini yells out from the tower, “There's someone outside!”

Afik looks out his tent, red streaks in his eyes. The torments of the previous day still wrack him—trauma stacks upon trauma: sunken ships, kraken monsters, goblin hordes, glowing allies, sticky swords—when does it end?

He sees a bonewhite dragonborn standing perfectly still in a weird pose, frozen, near the gate. The dragonborn is wearing a black ninja suit, face covered, with white patterned stripes that resemble one of those Mortal Kombat ninjas if Mortal Kombat existed in this world.

It does—just not here. That’s a different campaign.

Afik lays back down.

“Who put these signs out that say ‘inquire within?’” Uther shouts.

“Me!” Varian says.

Afik grumbles about the dragonborn ninja. “He's probably a door to door salesman, ignore him!” He knows they have all the doors they need right now.

The dragonborn slowly pushes the door open, then slinks inside.

Uther sees the obviously visible ninja character and confronts him. “Whats going on? Do I know you?”

“Sorry to startle you,” the dragonborn whispers, eyes narrowing. “My name is Tu-Ah. I am a rogue... as you can see, I have… perfect camouflage in this environment... I'm looking for an adventuring guild…”

“Well, we do have a very rigorous trial period and interview process,” Uther says, lying?

“You have to dig a hole first!” Afik shouts.

“Yeah! We have to have you dig a hole first!” Uther agrees, then goes inside to pour himself a bowl of Sfir-o’s, a cereal created and produced by The Herd, those guys from season two! Remember them? No? Start reading!

“Send him over!” Afik shouts, eager to keep napping while someone else digs his dwarf hole.

Uther points at the tent where Afik’s sleeping. “See that little plump motherfucker over there under the web that says ‘Some Dumbass?’ Go dig with him."

Tu-Ah approaches stealthily, but Afik clearly sees him because Tu-Ah rolls a natural 1 on a stealth check... in bright daylight... in the open.

“Sorry to… startle you, dwarf!” Tu-Ah says. “I am here... for tryouts!”

“Come on in. I've got your trial right here. Actually, it's a shovel. See that hole in the corner of the tent?” Afik points.

“I see everything!”

“Dig that hole!”

“Okay... how deep should I dig?”

“Deep! And let me take a nap! I'll check later to check your progress,” Afik says, then goes to sleep.

Tu-Ah throws the shovel aside and steps out immediately after Afik starts snoring.

“I vote him in!” Klardini shouts out the window.

“Well we did need new adventurers,” Uther says.

“Well, tryouts happen in the dungeon!” Variant declares.

“I do very well… in dungeons!” Tu-ah says, then sits in the shade.

The adventurers then decide to do something with their extra cash to keep it safe—why not put it into a safe? An expensive, dwarven made safe? Or even better—spend the money to buy a safe! Now they don’t have all this money lying around! It's safely saved as a safe!

There is a safe space for safes after all! Look, another hyperlink to a previous episode!

They drop 250 gp into the installation of a 5ft.-by-10 ft. dwarven-manufactured community chest, which they affix into the 1st floor of their tower. As the safe-mongers finish the installation and leave, the adventures hear a super loud knock at the gate, like someone is trying to smash it open!

They dash out into the yard and see an ugly, smelly, tall, purple-skinned goliath covered in flies! He’s rattling the gate and howling with rage!

Uther opens the door to let in the door-to-door breaker. He’s still munching on his box of Sfir-o's cereal. The goliath snatches the bowl and smashes it on the ground, then shouts, “Fuck The Herd! I'm Mage Crusher! I'm here to fucking kill mages!”

Klardini hides.

Uther shoves a shovel (is that why it’s called a shovel!? Because it shoves dirt around? You didn’t know that until now either!) at the guy and says, “Tryouts are in the back!”

The new guy stomps towards Afik’s tent, throws the tent flap open, and slams the shovel into the dirt as Afik screams at waking up to this monster of a man creating pure havoc in his tent.

As they watch the goliath scoop dirt out, Tu-Ah turns and sees a small lizardfolk reaching towards his backpack. The lizardfolk looks… funny? But scrappy!

“I see everything… Something's here!” Tu-Ah says, then slaps the lizardfolk’s hand away.

The lizardfolk hisses at the dragonborn ninja, “Ssscaly was sssold into ssslavery! Ssscaley isss a ssself-made thief!”

The lizardfolk, Scaly, then backs away into a corner and hisses at everyone.

Tu-Ah’s eyes widen at the sight of the rogue. “We're… going to be so sneaky… folks!”

“I'm sssorry,” Scaly says. “I have sssticky fingersss... I can't help myssself! Can I join you?” he points at the sign requesting adventurers.

“I can't answer… that question,” Tu-Ah says.

“Get a shovel and go to the back!” Uther says.

Scaley takes a shovel and disappears into the back to assist the other pledge with some digging. As they dig, a large cloud of dust appears—Mage Crusher freaks out and swings his shovel around at the cloud.

“Fuck you, ghost!” he shouts.

Everyone gives the goliath some distance.

“I heard there… was a dungeon?” Tu-Ah says. “I do need to show off my skills please.”

Varian smirks. “We should have tryouts where we fight these guys.”

Uther thinks about smirking, but he doesn’t. “I like that idea. We have plenty of room in the courtyard here.”

Varian sets aside his greataxe and picks up a sword and shield. He stands in the center of the courtyard. “Everyone's going to fight the paladin,” he announces as Scaly, Tu-Ah, and Mage Crusher set up around him in a triangle.

Mage Crusher readies his axe. Tu-Ah readies his shortbow. Scaly readies his face. Uther, Klardini, Mox, and Afik watch from their vantage points as the showdown begins!

Mage Crusher rages and charges at Varian, swinging his greataxe, but the eladrin stops the swing with his shield. As he shoves Mage Crusher away, he knocks away Scaley who leaps at him like a velociraptor.

“I shall have… fresh blood here!” Tu-Ah says as he fires his shortbow, missing.

Varian swings at Mage Crusher with a longsword attack, then channels a blast of radiant divine smite power and strikes the giant down.

Scaly leaps over Mage Crusher and tries to bite–he sinks his teeth into Varian’s arm, dealing 8 damage. He hisses with glee! An arrow sinks into Varian’s leg as Tu-Ah scores a glancing blow.

“You have been bloodied!” the dragonborn sneers.

Varian turns on Scaly and hits him with his longsword for 9 damage, taking him to 3 Hit Points left. Scaly returns with a snap of the jaws and only gets a mouthful of air as he bites, and Tu-Ah also misses with a follow up shot.

The reptilian rogues shout back and forth with each other using thieves cant to speak in code with each other while they strategize against the paladin.

“How are you doing on the other ssside!?” Scaly says.

“I cannot be seen!” Tu-Ah says.

“I can sssee you!” Scaly says.

Scaly can also s-s-see s-s-swords being s-s-swung at him! Varian clobbers Scaly with a swipe of his weapon and drops the rogue to the ground.

“It'sss on you!” Scaly whimpers.

Tu-Ah, who is definitely not a Mortal Kombat ninja, takes his mask off, revealing a bone-white face. He takes a deep breath, and breaths fire–I mean ice! He breathes ice! He is definitely not Scorpion doing Scorpion’s fatality! He does not hit “Up Up” on the controller! I will not be sued by NetherRealm Studios! WoTC could already come at me with a big ol’ cease-and-desist! I repeat, we are not stealing Scorpion’s character design—that’s why Tu-Ah has such a big booty, so that he’s legally distinct—

Varian saves against the frost breath and takes 2 cold damage.

“Feel… cooold?” Tu-Ah says, then draws a shortsword.

Varian hits Tu-Ah, dropping him to 1 Hit Point.

“I think… we should call this… a draw!” Tu-Ah says, sheathing the sword. “We have both bloodied each other… you see!”

“Well I like the mettle of these fighters. What say you?” Varian looks to the rest of his allies.

The others all nod in agreement.

“Welcome aboard!” Varian says, officially initiating the pledges into the Room for Improvement.

“Thank… you!” Tu-Ah says, bowing.

The others go back to digging.

After purchasing some more potions of healing, everyone decides to spend the rest of the evening down at the Yawning Portal, where they sit in a circle around a table and decide to expose some exposition! There are three new pledges, so there are three new backstories! I hope you wrote backstories! You created these characters before we even started this campaign!

“Who are you guys, and why do you want to join our adventuring guild?" Uther begins, then looks to Tu-Ah. “Lets start with you!”

“I am over here! Sorry… to disturb you,” Tu-Ah says. “I have come to your guild to… test my skills—and to gain glory… and that is all I shall say.”

Uther looks confused. “Is that glory you said?”

“I am over here now… yes,” Yu-Ah says.

“How do you want glory and not to be seen? Don't those not mesh?”

“I walk my own path… and you walk yours!”

Uther shrugs, then turns to Mage Crusher. “What about you, big guy?”

Mage Crusher downs his drink, then his low voice rumbles across the table as the flies buzz around his head. “I have uh... I seek the strength needed to take down the big, mega, interplanar corporation: HerdCo! They're the ones who put out all this faulty arcaine! Turned my family into flies! I hate those guys—they're the worst. So whatever I can do to get back at them! I'll kill all their minotaur faces.”

What is HerdCo? You should have read Season 2!

“What do you think about this story, Uther?” Klardini says.

“Me? That's fine. They can hate each other. I like it. I'm about it,” Uther says.

“Hiss!” Scaly says. “Ssscaley hasss a ssstory to tell! Ssscaley wasss sssent by Hoppy the Prophet!”

Uther freaks out, “There's two lizards!?” he shouts, looking between Scaly and Tu-Ah.

“Ssscaley isss here! Ssscaley sssent by Hoppy the Prophet! He sssaid I should pickpocket the dragonsss! Ssscaley isss here! Hoppy the Pickpocky Prophet Pocket!”

Uther dares Scaly to pick pockets, any pockets, as long as it’s someone in the Yawning Portal right now! He rolls a 51 on the whos-who picture that comes with the adventure, landing on a woman named Jamilah.

“I would make a distraction for you... but no one can see me,” Tu-Ah says from under the table.

Scaly rolls a sleight of hand check against Jamilah’s perception. She sits at the bar, nursing a drink. Scaly rolls a 20; she rolls an 8. He reaches and grabs her waterskin then dashes back to the table.

“Thisss isss my trophy!” the lizardfolk shouts, and he upends the waterskin into his mouth, realizing it's the strongest moonshine he's ever tasted. “Good water... hisss!”

Scaly passes it around the party, who all take a sip from it in fellowship—they get pissed from the moonshine, then stumble out of the Yawning Portal back to their new home. Mage Crusher sees a “Have You Heard of the Herd?” poster tacked to the jobs board at the bar, then rips it off.

They sleep a night. Afik is now at level 2 exhaustion as they wake up. All three of the new recruits slept in the tent with him. It got weird.

“Now we… shall test our skills for real! I am over here!” Tu-Ah announces.

Varian realizes they have mail–they have mail? Like real people? The envelope reads “To V.U.K.A.M from D.S.”

“Davil Starsong…” Varian says to himself, and opens the envelope, finding that inside is a detailed snippet about the biology of intellect devourers from Volo’s Guide to Monsters. Now they’ll know about their targets!

None of them will probably read it.

Two pieces of paper for the bookshelf now!

They interpret the letter as a hint to return to the Dungeon of the Mad Mage and finish wiping out Xanathar’s presence on the first floor. They decide that Scaly and Tu-Ah will go with Uther and Varian while the others stay behind to work on the new property. The paladin, warlock, and two rogues return to the Yawning Portal and are greeted by their sun elf point of contact, Davil Starsong.

“Did you get my assistance?” Davil says, smirking.

“Yeah we did,” Uther says “Do you have any of those intellect devourer potions?” he asks, remembering how they needed to cure Varian of his stupid on a previous adventure.

Davil hands one over. “If you can destroy the last two intellect devourers, that should destabilize enough of Xanathar’s influence on the first floor to cause his forces to scatter. You've slain three already, so you're over halfway there.”

They accept, then descend into the dungeon. The platform lands in the room with the shields on the wall, and Varian and Uther let their rogue counterparts lead the way into the darkness.

There’s one issue…

Of the four party members, the two rogues are the only ones who can't see in the dark.

Uther sighs, then casts light on the Varian's shield, then summons Imp E. Dimp.

“Imp-i dimp-i!” I’m not typing this shit anymore every time he summons the imp.

They return to the pillar hallway with the graffiti. No goblins or bugbears are waiting for them this time. The south and west hallways are marked with the eight-circled symbol, and the north one is tagged with a fanged mouth—they decide to go through the hallway with the fanged mouth.

They find a dead end, then turn to retrace their steps—but then a brainlike monster, floating from the ceiling with tendrils trailing behind it and with a bird beak descends! An intellect devourer? No, just a regular devourer!

Varian corners the creature while the rogues close in to stack sneak attack damage on it, but then Imp E. Dimp lets out a shriek! A second monster emerges and lashes at the devil, seeing through its invisibility! The imp is lashed and bitten, then poofs out of existence with a final “Imp-i Diiiiimp!”

He'll get better.

Uther kites the monster that slew his familiar, laying down electric eldritch blasts to disrupt the electroencephalography of the enemy. Varian and Scaly tag team against the first one with Varian drawing most of the attacks, then riposting as Scaly lashes with his fanged maw!

Varian takes a beating, but as he and Scaly hack at the creature, an arrow pierces the fleshy brain matter of the aberration. It dies in a heap.

“All me… as they say!” Tu-Ah shouts, loading another arrow. “I shall be running this way!”

Everyone closes in on the second monster with Varian putting his bloodied body in the front line. He swings at it, critically strikes, then burns a divine smite to slam the creature with 28 holy damage! The creature viciously lashes back, but Varian’s shield of faith spell pumps his armor class beyond 20 points, keeping the attacks at bay.

The monster whips towards Uther, who casts misty step to break contact with the creature, then powers forth with a final eldritch blast that incenerates the interloper.

“We killed some stuff, so let's continue exploring!” Varian says, poking the brains. No extra brains crawl out of them.

Can’t be too careful! There are dangers within dangers just like brains within brains!

Uther waits 10 minutes to reload Imp E. Dimp back into the world. Everyone else loots the room, finding absolutely nothing.

“Thisss room isss... ssstupid,” Scaly says, upset at the lack of loots to be looted.

“I am here,” Tu-Ah says. “We should go… somewhere else.”

They go somewhere else, and when they open the door to somewhere else, they see Uktarl! The vampire dude from before! The vampire dude who stabbed one of his own people then got all angry at the adventurers, and then the adventurers pretended they were Xanathar agents to intimidate him. Maybe he still thinks they’re agents of Xana—

“The liars are back!" Uktarl shouts.

And maybe he doesn’t!

Uktarl stands up, his spooky clothes billowing all spookish! He bares his fangs. “I will drink your blood, liars!” he says, charging at them from across the room.

Two other Undertakers, dressed in similar vampire garb like Uktarl, dash across the room with him towards the door that the adventurers just opened.

Varian engages Uktarl, then notices one of the two henchmen has white eyes that gloss over—that’s a pretty unique trick for people who are just playing dress up.

Uther blasts Uktarl as Tu-Ah reaches into his backpack and spills a bag of ball bearings on the entrance to Uktarl’s room. He tosses the empty ballsack aside and re-arms himself with his shortbow.

Scaly tosses a dagger at the Undertaker leader, but Uktarl whirls on Varian with a scimitar and hits Varian three times back-to-back-to-back, knocking the paladin backward. Varian returns the swing but can’t get through Uktarl’s defenses—he catches sight of the Undertaker henchman with the glossy eyes.

The henchman smiles, then slams the door right after Uktarl and the second henchman step through, trapping Uktarl in the hallway with the adventurers.

Uktarl’s eyes widen as he realizes how trapped he is. Scaly lands on the man, then bites into his throat, holding him in place.

“Do you yield!?” Varian demands says, attacking the second henchman.

“Never!” Uktarl sneers up at the paladin, then tries to push the lizardfolk off of him.

Uther electrocutes Uktarl with an eldritch blast!

Tu-Ah shoots him with an arrow!

Scaly chomps down on his face!

“Traitors everywhere!” Uktarl mutters, seeing his one loyal henchman lying in a pool of blood next to him. “Liars… all of you! You don’t work for Xanath—”

Scaly pulls back with his jaws, ripping Uktarl’s face off and scarfing it down. Nothing beats a good afternoon face! They then loot all of his shit and confirm that Uktarl, like they suspected, was no vampire at all, but a human in disguise.

Liars indeed.

< Episode List >