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BQ-05: Let's Steal Lizards

Updated: May 15, 2020

The party returns to the boat with their new slave and new friend, where the AFK cleric heals them because he's slowly on the dark path of becoming an NPC or the campaign's big bad evil guy. 🌱 is carrying Soren's severed tail, which he combines with the ash from the smoke monster and spores of the KFC mushroom to create more mushrooms or, or, SOMETHING!

The experiment goes terribly, so he tucks it away and forgets about it for a bit. Uul'valaar begins praying to his deity, Tyr, for some guidance in this world, but his deity can't offer him anything at the moment thank you come again.

At this point, Zanzibar explains that his father is the Manzibar of the desert trading post of Kinchasa, meaning his father is the elected guildmaster managing the town. A strained relationship exists between the two of them since Zanzibar is the youngest of his three siblings, though he then shares a common Kinchasan saying, "the youngest candle burns brightest!"

During this heartwrenching monologue about a father's lost affection, McSneakle pulls 🌱 aside and plots to kidnap Zanzibar. Knowing that Uul'valaar would definitely not approve, they decide to fake the kidnapping, even creating a fake ransom note. Their plan deviates into creating a "fake kidnapping" that they "fake rescue" Zanzibar from to extort money from his father. McSneakle tries convincing Uul'valaar and Zanzibar to fall in with this cunning plan, and🌱 persuades the law-abiding paladin that "None of this is illegal if nobody gets arrested!"

Zanzibar shakes his head, stating "In the short time I've known you, you have enslaved someone... you have dabbled in weird voodoo... I do not think I like this plan."

Uul'valaar agrees, stating that "If Zanzibar is out, I'm out! Also wait, slavery? Minion is a slave?" Uul'valaar also argues that pissing off Zanzibar's father is probably a bad idea if their plan is to stay in Kinchasa. 🌱 pulls McSneakle aside and says they'll just do it anyway! Uul'valaar makes an extremely good point by saying, "Hey, we kind of already did rescue him from a frog king. What not just get a reward for that?"

Zanzibar is baffled by his rescuers' antics, so he shakes his head mumbles to himself, "What do I say? 'Dearest father, here are my friends: the slave keeper, the one who dabbles in weird voodoo, the paladin who doesn't follow his god whatsoever!'"

Now Uul'valaar joins McSneakle and 🌱 with being upset with Zanzibar, insisting that his blinding hatred for his enemies is totally with Tyr's portfolio. 🌱 says he destroys his enemies as well, which are loggers, but at this point his enemies are lagers, so he pours a couple of glasses and leaves to go drinking. Uul'valaar shouts after him, suggesting that 🌱 could be the ambassador for the trees and bring some trees to Zanzibar's dry-ass hometown.

Uul'valaar then asks Minion the frog slave what he think about the matter, to which McSneakle promptly replies, "He thinks what he's told!" And returns the bullywug slave to his cage.

With their petty squabbles reaching their limit, they say "fuck this" and sail off to Kinchasa. A day's worth of travel brings them to an adequate trading town of no more than 2,000 people along the coast, with a small river separating the town into two districts, the northern district being wealthier and walled off, the smaller one being full of poor people and lacking sufficient wallery.

When Uul'valaar confronts Zanzibar about the lack of fortifications in the south, Zanzibar merely states that the south side "doesn't need the wall."

🌱 asks about the state of trees within the port town and if they are good to lick. Zanzibar tells him that they have trees, just very few of them, and they are protected, and that licking a merchant's possessions is a cultural taboo in Kinchasa and a sign of mistrust, so lickery will not be tolerated by the local guards.

The party docks and explores the shipyard, which is full of merchants hocking their wares and fishermen showing off their daily catch. McSneakle takes note that the preferred beast of burden in this town is an orange lizard the size of a draft horse called a snapfire. McSneakle approaches a vendor and asks to buy a snapfire lizard, and the merchant asks for 50 gp. McSneakle counter-barters, offering to exchange the violin he stole from the cabin two episodes ago, but as he tries to show off how easily the violin's wondrous noise can impress people or get you laid, he rolls a 7 and the deal goes sour.

Seeing a plot ready to unfold, 🌱 creeps into the snapfire pen and wildshapes into one of the lizards. McSneakle grabs a real snapfire and claims he found one from another merchant, then gestures to the merchant's fully stocked pen of snapfires to ensure he definitely did not just steal one from him. After McSneakle leaves, the vendor goes to put a leash over the strangely not-leashed-snapfire-that-is-really-🌱-in-wildshape-form, so 🌱 wildshapes back into whatever he is and pretends that he was under a curse and the vendor just broke it. While he is thanking the vendor from ending his curse, McSneakle returns and tries stealing another snapfire, but Uul'valaar pushes them along and gives the vendor 50 gp for dealing with these assholes and they set off to meet the Manzibar of Kinchasa.

They approach the Manzibar's guildhouse, which is a walled-off courtyard standing next to a series of statues glorifying several types of trade: the fisher, the miner, the farmer, etc. In the center of these statues is a green torch kept in a cage--the Shrine of Guga, a chaos god. McSneakle has heard of this deity, and Zanzibar explains that the cage over chaos shows that profit and business trumps uncivilized chaos, though the flames of chaos never fully go away.

They enter the guildhouse courtyard, and 🌱 instantly hugs one of the few trees inside but ensures he is in no way licking it as he doesn't want to offend anybody. He just wants to be batshit weird. The Manzibar appears, and welcomes his son with a mighty hug. The Manzibar asks Zanzibar about his quests, which McSneakle explains that they all rescued his little bitch of a crybaby son and that they need rewards now or they'll have him re-kidnapped.

The Manzibar claps his hands, summoning Botha, a gnarled old wise woman. She carries a bag, and she seems to already know the party's names. She gives a strange seed in a wooden chest to 🌱, then gives Uul'valaar a green candle of the chaos god Guga, stating "you'll know when to use this." Finally, she gives the bag to McSneakle, who is greatly offended at his terrible gift and promptly shits in it.

McSneakle then realizes that the bag is a magical bag of holding that can carry 500 lbs of loot, or 499 lbs of loot and one turd.

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